The Happiness Project

After years of searching for answers, what have I learnt about finding contentment?

By Craig Fookes | The Mind Works

What does it actually take to feel happy? A simple question, apparently. Although judging by the amount of time and money we spend trying to answer it, perhaps not quite as simple as we'd like. We spend so much of our lives pursuing the things we believe will make us happy. A better job. A healthier body. More money. A loving relationship. A little more time to ourselves.

We tell ourselves that things will be better when we've achieved the next goal, overcome the next difficulty, or finally sorted out whatever seems to be holding us back. And sometimes they are. But why is it that we can achieve things we've worked towards for years and still find ourselves feeling dissatisfied, anxious, overwhelmed or somehow disconnected from the life we're living? It's a question I've spent a considerable part of my life trying to understand.

My own search for answers

My interest in mental health and human behaviour began long before I became a therapist. I've spent years in therapy myself, trying to make sense of my experiences, the choices I've made and why certain things have felt so bloody difficult. That was never an academic interest for me. That journey eventually led me towards becoming a therapist. For almost ten years I've worked with people dealing with anxiety, depression, burnout, difficult relationships, low confidence and that maddening feeling of being stuck. The labels vary. The person sitting in front of me is always rather more complicated than the label.

Alongside my clinical work, I've continued studying, questioning and developing my understanding of how our minds work. And perhaps most importantly, I've continued trying to apply what I've learnt to my own life. Because understanding something intellectually and actually being able to live differently are two very different things. I know that from personal experience.

What are we actually looking for?

Over the years, something has become increasingly apparent to me. For all the different reasons people come to therapy, and for all the different things we believe will make our lives better, there are some remarkably consistent themes underneath. We want to feel connected to the people who matter to us. We want enough time, energy and money to live our lives without constantly feeling that we're struggling to keep up.

We want to feel comfortable with who we are, have worthwhile things to do with our time, and feel that we have a place in the world. It's hardly a revolutionary discovery. But that's part of the point. And yet, when I look at my own experiences, the difficulties people describe in therapy, and the pressures of everyday life, I keep coming back to these same fundamental areas.

Connection. Resources. Identity.

Three seemingly simple aspects of life that can influence an extraordinary amount of how we think, feel and behave.

The difference between happiness and contentment

I've also come to think there's an important distinction between happiness and contentment. Happiness is wonderful. It's something we experience in moments. A good conversation. A holiday. An achievement. Laughing with friends. Spending time with someone we love. But happiness isn't a permanent state. Life brings disappointment, uncertainty, disagreements, responsibilities, illness, loss and all sorts of things we'd rather avoid. No amount of positive thinking is going to prevent that. Contentment, to me, is something slightly different. It's the possibility of feeling reasonably comfortable with ourselves and the lives we're living, even when everything isn't quite how we'd like it to be.

It's having enough of what matters to us, feeling connected to the people and world around us, and having some sense of who we are and where we're going. And importantly, it's recognising that we don't always have complete control over those circumstances. Sometimes life genuinely is difficult. Sometimes we don't have enough time, energy, money or support. Sometimes our health, relationships or responsibilities make things much harder than we'd like. And sometimes the expectations we've developed about ourselves and other people add another layer of difficulty. Understanding these things seems to me far more useful than simply telling ourselves that we should be happier.

Before we talk about contentment, we need to consider our foundations

There's another important part of this picture. Within The Mind Works approach, we consider four interconnected Pillars of Health: Psychology, Physiology, Physical Health, and Environment & Relationships. These help us understand the wider conditions influencing how we feel, think and function. Our psychological experiences matter, but so do our sleep, nourishment, hormonal health, physical conditions, everyday environment, relationships and the pressures we're living under. When one area is under considerable strain, it can affect the others.

For example, persistent pain or poor sleep can leave us with less energy to enjoy the things that matter to us. Financial pressures can affect our relationships, our stress levels and our ability to rest. Difficult relationships can influence how safe or comfortable we feel in everyday life. Of course, this doesn't mean that somebody living with a long-term health condition, disability or difficult circumstances cannot experience contentment. Far from it. People can find meaningful connection, satisfaction and enjoyment while living with considerable challenges. Equally, being physically healthy, financially comfortable or apparently successful doesn't guarantee that we'll feel content.

The point is that our health and circumstances matter, and we need to take them seriously when trying to understand our experience of life. It's with these foundations in mind that I've developed what I call The Nine Conditions for Contentment.

The Nine Conditions for Contentment

As I've continued developing The Mind Works approach, I've organised these ideas into nine conditions, grouped under three broader themes.

Connection

Our relationships with other people and our wider sense of belonging. This includes having someone with whom we can feel genuinely seen, heard and emotionally supported; experiencing meaningful closeness and dependable relationships; and feeling connected to the wider world around us.

Within The Mind Works, these are explored through:

Companionship: Having someone with whom we feel seen, heard and held, through a close, mutually caring and supportive connection. For many people, this companionship is experienced within a romantic relationship, but it doesn't necessarily have to be.

Deep Connection: Meaningful relationships with family, close friends or other important people, built around shared experiences, closeness and dependability.

Light Connections: The everyday encounters, communities and familiar faces that help us feel recognised and connected to the wider world. These are different forms of connection, rather than a requirement for everyone to have a particular type of relationship or social life.

Resources

What we have available to meet the demands of everyday life and pursue the things that matter to us. Because even when we know exactly what we'd like to do, it's remarkably difficult to make meaningful changes when we simply don't have the time, energy or financial resources available.

This includes: Time: Having sufficient autonomy, balance and space to manage responsibilities while still enjoying life.

Energy: Having enough physical, mental and emotional capacity for the things we need and want to do, recognising that this will differ according to health and circumstances. [Sufficient] Money: Having enough financial security, comfort and freedom to meet our needs and make reasonable choices. The emphasis here is on having enough, rather than endlessly striving for more.

Identity

Our relationship with ourselves, our sense of purpose and how we experience our place among other people. Do we understand and accept who we are? Do we feel engaged in what we're doing with our lives? Can we be ourselves around other people without constantly worrying about how we're being perceived?

This includes: Sense of Self: Understanding who we are, accepting ourselves and being able to live authentically. Vocation: Having worthwhile things to do, whether through work, interests, creativity, caring for others or simply activities we enjoy. Social Self: Recognising that we have qualities others appreciate, feeling that we belong, and being comfortable enough to be ourselves around other people.

Together, these nine areas provide a way of thinking about the conditions that may contribute to a more contented life. They're not a scientifically established formula for happiness, nor a checklist that everybody must complete. They're a framework I've developed from my own experiences, professional work and wider understanding of human wellbeing. For me, they've become a useful way of bringing years of experience and study into one picture.

Why this matters when we're struggling

Consider somebody experiencing anxiety. We might focus on their worrying thoughts, their physical symptoms or their difficulty switching off. All of those things deserve attention.

But what else might be happening? Perhaps they're worried about losing an important relationship. Perhaps they're trying to manage more responsibilities than they have the time or energy for.

Perhaps they feel enormous pressure to meet expectations, or worry that disappointing someone means they're somehow inadequate. Or perhaps they're living with genuine financial uncertainty, health difficulties or circumstances that would leave almost anyone feeling anxious. These experiences are different, but they can overlap and reinforce one another.

The same principle can be useful when exploring burnout, procrastination, relationship difficulties, low confidence or a lack of direction. It doesn't mean that all these difficulties have the same explanation. It means that understanding a presenting problem often involves looking at more than the problem itself. And that's a central part of what I've been trying to achieve with The Mind Works.

From understanding ourselves to making meaningful changes

One of the things I've come to appreciate, both personally and professionally, is that change isn't always as straightforward as knowing what we need to do. Most of us already know quite a lot about what might improve our lives. Get more sleep. Eat better. Exercise. Spend time with people. Worry less. Set boundaries. Stop procrastinating. Find a better balance. The advice is everywhere. But knowing what might help doesn't necessarily mean we have the capacity, confidence, support or circumstances to make it happen. Sometimes we need to understand what is making change difficult before deciding what to do next.

What are we carrying? What resources do we have available? What have our experiences taught us to expect from ourselves and other people? And are the things we're working towards genuinely important to us, or are we pursuing them because we feel we should? These are some of the questions that sit at the heart of The Mind Works approach.

So, have I found the secret to happiness?

No. And importantly, I don't think there is one. I still get things wrong. I still have difficult days and find myself revisiting problems I thought I'd already worked out. Anyone selling a life entirely free of that sort of thing is selling something I don't recognise. But I do feel that I've reached a much clearer understanding of what matters.

And perhaps more importantly, I have a better framework for recognising what might be missing, what might need attention, and what is realistically within my ability to change. My aim isn't to suggest that everybody should live the same kind of life, want the same things or pursue some ideal version of happiness. It's to encourage a little more curiosity about our own experiences. Because the things that matter most to one person may be very different from those that matter to another. And the resources, relationships and opportunities available to us are rarely equal.

I believe that understanding those differences is an important part of finding a life that feels more comfortable, fulfilling and genuinely our own.

Where do we go from here?

This article is the beginning of a series exploring what I've come to think of as The Conditions for Contentment. In the next article, I'll explore the nine conditions in greater detail, including the 27 individual elements that sit beneath them.

We'll look at how Connection, Resources and Identity interact, and why understanding these areas may help explain some of the difficulties we experience in everyday life.

And if you're curious about how these ideas might relate to your own circumstances, I've also developed the Mind Works Personal Insight Assessment.

It offers a structured way to explore different aspects of your psychological and physical wellbeing, personal experiences, relationships and current circumstances.

You can begin with free personalised insights in around three minutes, with the option of a more comprehensive paid assessment if you'd like to explore further.

Explore The Conditions for Contentment

Discover The Mind Works Personal Insight Assessment

Craig Fookes

Clinical Hypnotherapist, Mind Works Founder